How Not to Lose Real Friends

I still remember the time when my parent’s friends would come over without calling or informing us in advance about their visit. They would just knock on the door and stay for a cup of coffee, chatting with my parents and discussing the latest news. Today the idea of someone just showing up on your doorstep sounds at the least strange if not ill-mannered. It has become common courtesy to call your friends a few days or, even better, a week in advance and decide on the time of your next meeting.

The advent of Internet and other technological advances like cell phones and instant messengers should have made our communication easier and more efficient. Which they  have. But they have also changed the ways that we interact with others and in some ways challenged interpersonal communication with our friends.

Now with a push of the button we can “accept” new friends on Facebook and just as easily “delete” them off our friends’ list. Do not get me wrong. Facebook is a wonderful social network that helps us find and get in touch with people we have not seen since grade school. It gives us an opportunity to meet new people from just about any country in the world and learn more about their life and their culture. It allows us to get regular updates from our friends that live far away. But it is only a poor substitute for real face-to-face communication.

You can go through life having 500 friends on Facebook, but only a handful of real friends, who will be there for you no matter what. I believe that we can call ourselves fortunate if we have one to three true genuine friends. Not just acquaintances that we occasionally hang out with and meet for lunch.

To me real friendship is truly God’s gift and one of the most gratifying relationships that we can have with other people. But just as any relationship, friendship takes a lot of time and constant effort to cultivate and maintain.

I have been reading a wonderful book “What’s Worth Knowing” by Wendy Lustbader that offers hard-won wisdom that people gained through seventy, eighty, and ninety-plus years of living. An 89-year old John Caughlan when asked “What advice would you give a young person who is trying to live a good life?” answered without hesitation – Good fortune is having good friends:

“Your family is stuck with you. After you get married, your wife is stuck with you, too. But friends are free to come and go. The ones that stay by your side become treasures. They just plain like you. I’m proud of certain things I’ve done in my life, certain accomplishments. But look at my friends! You can’t just go out and acquire them. You make them. Years go by, and you go through hard times together. It takes some doing. I look around and see how lucky I am to have such fine people in my life.”

I truly wish that when I am almost 90 I can say the same. Unfortunately, maintaining friendships is not as easy for me as it  was only 5-10 years ago. Friends get married, have children, move to a different countries and we slowly grow apart.

But then I see my parents getting tens of visits, phones calls and postcards from their old friends for Christmas and Birthdays, it makes me realize that marriages, kids, divorces, relocations are only excuses. You can maintain your friendship through the years, no matter where you live and what your social status is. All it takes is a little desire and just a little bit of effort.

How long ago has it been since the last time you had a deep meaningful conversation with your old friends? How long has it been since you did something together?

Maybe it is time to rejuvenate your friendship and let the person know that you care about them?

How?

The first step would be to pick up the phone and call them. Right now. Because if you wait till the end of the day, the chances are you will be busy and will not call them at all this week. No reason other than “Just wanted to see how you are doing and what is new in your life” is needed. If your friend is busy, ask them what the best time to call back is. But start the communication.

Second, make room in your busy schedule for your friends. Get together for dinner, bowling or decide to see a good movie on the week end.

Third, accept 100% responsibility for maintaining your friendship. If you want to make new great friends and maintain your old relationships, do not wait for other people to make an effort to stay in touch with you. As strange as it may sound, for most people it is much easier to block two-three hours to meet with an old friend, than to find 5 minutes to call and plan that meeting. Therefore, be the one, who takes the initiative in your own hands! The principle, “I already called you twice, so now it is your turn to call me” simply does not work. You either take active steps to renew and maintain your friendship, or you let it die down.

“A friend is a present you give yourself.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

P.S. I will share some more great tips on how to build and maintain long-lasting friendship in the next post. So keep on reading!

Filed under: Featured Post

Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!